College and Babies.

I am super excited right now because I've been looking up a lot of information about the University of Central Florida. I intend on enrolling once my mom and I settle down in Orlando. I probably forgot to mention that part, we're moving once our house here in NY sells. Did you know that 23% of the student body is over the age of 25? Thank the lord! At least I won't feel freakishly old walking around campus. I'm starting to feel really self conscious about my age now when I'm on a college campus, like all the little 18 and 19 year olds have a secret ability to be able to tell that I am slowly closing in on being a decade older than them and that I don't really belong there. Knowing that there's a huge older population at UCF makes me feel a lot better.

Being in the hospital really brought home for me the fact that I need to go back to school no matter what. I was going to go back to school this past fall for nursing but when my hand injury started I withdrew from all my classes because I wasn't sure if I'd be able to keep up with all of the work because of the typing/note taking involved. Watching the nurses in action and knowing how much of a vital part they are in your hospital stay really put a fire under my butt. I really want to be a nurse. I had several very good nurses in the hospital this time around (a few I wanted to punch in the face as well but I won't go there) and one in particular went above and beyond for me and it made such a difference. I want to be that for someone else. When I think back about the experience of my grandmother dying, the nurses who visited at home played a huge part in the entire process and my mom and I probably wouldn't have remained sane if it weren't for them. I just want to touch/help someone in the way my life has been touched by nurses. I also just love the idea of studying medicine. I love finding out why things work the way they do.

How do my migraines play a part in this though? Their unpredictability has pretty much banned me from working any normal full time job because I'm no longer considered reliable. I just cannot tell you when my next migraine will be, or how long it will completely disable me for. How am I going to be able to get through school? I want to go for a BA in Nursing, the first two years will be the 'easier' part of the program, meaning most of the core classes for any BA and then the final two years are basically hell. I have no idea at all if I will be able to get through this. Part of me wonders why I should bother trying, but the other huge part is screaming "You will never know UNLESS you try.", and I cannot sit on the sidelines forever. Maybe the first year will be rough. Maybe during that time I could find an awesome medication the greatly reduces the number of migraines that I have. Who knows what could happen? I can't just stop living because of my illness.

How do I even intend to be able to work if I in fact make it through and graduate? I'm not sure. I've figured maybe I could work only two shifts per week, or work in a doctor's office where the hours are shorter. I also have my hand to worry about along with my migraines.

And that's how I'll lead into the other issue that's just beginning to worry me a little bit.. babies. I don't have a boyfriend, but at some point in my life I would like to be married with children and fulfilling the whole American dream thing. The only thing that seems to stick out in the articles that I've been reading lately on migraines is that there isn't a lot of options out there for pregnant patients with migraines. So I'm assuming that means most of my medications would not be safe to take while pregnant, most definitely not the muscle relaxers, pain killers or the DHE45 which are the abortive meds that I need. PLUS, we have no idea how my body would react to pregnancy and it could cause even more/worse migraines. I would be begging them to take the baby out. Does this then mean I won't be able to have my own biological children? Since I was looking down the road of adoption before (long story), this is obviously not a problem for me and I am completely open to it but I always intended to have at least one biological child eventually. I never thought that option would be taken away completely.

So if I can't (or choose not to because of the issues relating to) have children naturally how exactly do I find someone to marry? Do I tell them ahead of time? Do I wait and save that little gem for the honeymoon? Like, "Oh, btw.. sorry honey but I forgot to tell you but I don't think I'm going to be able to give you that baby that you wanted.". I know it's a lot to think about considering I am young and single but eventually I have to settle down and it's a very important subject and just another subject that tied up with my migraines. How exactly does that happen? I should be able to have just a few things in my life not controlled by this.

I'm confused, I'm feeling slightly angsty and still slightly excited about the college thing.